I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize