Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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