how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize