i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
