At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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