just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
