If that was your dad, he is hot
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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