He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
