Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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