First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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