I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
