My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize