i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
