Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
