can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
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