If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
