The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
