I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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