note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
