When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
