You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
