I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
