Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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