when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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