I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
