It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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