M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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