I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You're a waste of cheezeits
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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