Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I met the friendliest cop last night
are you so shy because you have an std?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
