You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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