I feel great
I just peed on a car
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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