please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
