Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Watching her eat just hurts me
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
