70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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