you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
being pregnant is like rehab
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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