Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
