I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
