shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
