mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
