I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
You're my little dorito
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
