I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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