I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
