I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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