do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
