Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
