She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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