It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
