Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize