My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
your like the ambassador to my penis.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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