The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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