He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
