I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
