My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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