Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
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