If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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