Soap is not a condiment
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
