i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
