So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Randomize
