I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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