even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
