dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
