Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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