If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
