Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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