She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
