so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize