sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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