somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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