Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
