I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
